I’ve been studying Romans for the past several weeks and let me just tell you that if you don’t want to feel uncomfortable or convicted then STAY AWAY from Romans. Every single sentence, every single verse, points to the gospel. I have been so challenged and so convicted over the past several weeks. The Lord begun to sin questions in my mind about my life and my witness. I’m in several very “transitional” phases in life and I know I haven’t been completely obedient through these specific seasons the Lord has me in. I’m faithful in some areas, disobedient in others. We talked about hypocrisy for a little while at community group last night and my heart was just so broken over the areas of my life that don’t represent Christ. I feel like I have such a unique platform here on the internet and I don’t doubt for one second that every bit of this is the Lord’s doing. When someone comes to this page I want them to see someone who loves and longs for Jesus. I don’t want them to see someone who knows all the answers or someone who always has an hour long quiet time with deep revelations. I want them to see someone who repents of her sin, is broken over her selfish desires, and someone who is transparent with the hard things. No, I don’t think I have to share every tiny sin or mistake, but I don’t ever want to paint a picture of perfection here. When someone sees me at the grocery store or in my library at school or working a wedding or sees a post on instagram I want them to see my God. I don’t want the fame or the glory. I don’t want people to look at me, I want people to look at him. I want my walk with the Lord to be visible in all aspects of my life. I’ve struggled a lot over the past week with this idea. Can I continue to post scripture on instagram or my blog if I’m at odds with my husband or have a bad attitude at work? Can I share all of these things if I have areas of my heart that are less than glorifying to God? My heart struggles with the answers to these questions. On the one hand, YES. I’m going to continue to fall prey to my own selfish desires, but I can be honest about that and share my journey. On the other hand, NO. If my life is not consistently pointing others to Jesus than my words and my posts mean nothing. If my life isn’t a representation of the gospel, why will someone believe me when I start to audibly share the gospel with them? This morning I was reading the first few verses of Romans 6 and Paul is talking about how our fleshly selves were crucified with Christ and we no longer live as slaves to sin. My ESV commentary said this, “ Paul does not argue that Christians do not sin at all, instead, the tyranny, domination, and rule of sin have been defeated for them. This means that the normal pattern of life for Christians should be progressive growth in sanctification, resulting in ever greater maturity and conformity to God;s moral law in thought and action.”
While I’ll continue to sin until the day Jesus comes back, my life should be characterized by progressive growth in sanctification. Repentance. Brokenness over sin. I’ll never be “done”. I’ll never reach that milestone that allows me to stop trying because I’ll just “get it”. Jesus will be sanctifying me until my very last day. I want my life to be characterized by a genuine desire to love and honor Jesus with a passion for sharing the gospel. I want the Lord to use this space here on the internet to turn hearts towards Him. But, I know there are other areas of my life where I’ve been given influence just like I’ve been given here. I have to be obedient to that, too. I know that the Lord wants to really work some things out of me before I’ll really come back to this space. I want you to see Jesus here. I don’t want you to ever look to me and think that somehow I’ve figured it all out. That could not be farther from the truth. My desire is for the Lord to continue to cut things out of my life that are of the flesh so that I can have more of Him.